Pudge: Let’s be honest. You’re not a good person. 

When you have to play support for some unfortunate turn of events, you insta-lock Pudge and spend your next 30-40 minutes roaming aimlessly around the map and testing your luck Hooking enemies (or teammates, sometimes unintentionally). If you’re not going to carry, then at least you’re going to have fun, damn it!

Yes. You are not a good person, but Pudge is the most-played hero in Dota 2, so you’re in good company.

Dad Jokes:

If your mother was a Dota hero...

That would make Pudge the second fattest hooker in the game.

Axe: (… is Axe.)

Hands down the manliest Dota 2 hero. To appease their huge female customer segment, Valve even introduced a naked arcana for the hero!

Even if the Dota equivalent of Terry Crews is not the man of your dreams, chopping down your enemies with a giant Axe (or your bare hands!) is a very satisfying feeling.

Dad Jokes:

Why did Axe's relationship end?

He missed every call.

Earthshaker: We are electric tu-tu-tu…

If you are the kind of person that likes to send his friends a 240p video of his awesome plays, then Earthshaker is your hero. Landing that 5-man Echo Slam will become the highlight of your week!

That said, it helps a lot if you are playing in trash tier and the enemy team constantly forgets what your ultimate does.

It also helps a lot if you have a terrible life, so a dunk in a video game feels like a worthwhile accomplishment.

Dad Jokes:

How does Earthshaker like his drinks?

Shaken, not stirred.

Legion Commander: “Dear Valve, I found a bug in the game: I can’t find Iron Talon in the shop. Pls fix.

Kind Regards, BlyatKing97”

Forcing those sissies to fight you like real men AND accumulating a Rapier’s worth of bonus damage is definitely a fun experience. Since dedicated jungling is not really a thing anymore, people won’t even instantly report you when you pick Legion!

Dad Jokes:

Why did Legion Commander have to rebind her keys?

Because she couldn’t press the attack button.

Wraith King: The one true king.

Are your deaths in Dota a double-digit number every single game? Are your teammates blaming you every single time and suggesting very politely you shouldn’t play carry (while just the thought of touching a support hero makes you shiver in disgust)?

Then play Wraith King and cut your deaths in half without changing a single thing in your playstyle!

Centaur: SunsFan’s favorite hero. You might thing Cent is F-tier because of that, but you’d be wrong.

Cent was even better in simpler times before his passive rework - it was an awesome experience buying Hearts and winning the game with the “stop hitting yourself” strategy.

That said, he’s still a manly man-horse doing a great job of over-compensating for your (and SunsFan’s) low testosterone levels! So, solid A.

Tusk:

Like bar fights?

Of course not, you spend your nights playing video games, you’d die in a bar fight.

That said, if you’d like to at least pretend to be a person who likes bar fights, Valve’s got you covered.

Huskar: People say there’s no cheese in Dota 2. Apparently, people haven’t played Huskar enough.

One of the best heroes in the Dota – you can consistently win matches without being any good at the game! If BSJ can kind of get to pro Dota spamming Huskar, then maybe you can do it too!

Dad Jokes:

Why did Huskar use his ultimate 3 times?

He wanted Half Life 3

Elder Titan: He’s a goat with a briefcase that was involved in the creation of the world… or something.

That confusion aside, one-hitting people with said briefcase (imagine what you’d do if you had an actual weapon!) and splitting the earth and watching the horror of your enemies as they scatter like cockroaches tends to give you a warm feeling inside.

A-Tier material.

That said, he’s one of the least played heroes in Dota. I bet that’s because you people have the reading comprehension skills of a 4-year-old and can’t put together what ET’s skills actually do. When I think about it, why the hell am I even writing this 8k word article?

Tiny: Do you like ganking? Do you like flash-farming? Do you like split-farming and rat Dota? Do you like initiating team-fights?

I’m sure even though you’ve been playing Dota for 10 years and all of the above are familiar terms, you can do none of it well enough.

That said, it’s always good having the potential, and Tiny can do it all (in the right hands, not yours).

Sand King: He’s the King. Of sand.

As hard to kill as a cockroach. As deadly as a scorpion.

Almost as much plays-of-the-week potential as Earthshaker and almost as royal as Wraith King, but not quite, which bumps him down from S-tier.

Earth Spirit:

He is one of the heroes whose spells are too complicated for 80% of the player base to understand. This gives you a great advantage – it’s hard for the enemy team to counter you when 4 out of 5 people don’t know what your hero does!

The downside is that he requires actual skill to play, and we all know you’ve got none of that.

Mars:

Ah, the Greco-Roman god of war himself. To make sure people didn’t miss where the inspiration comes from, Valve borrowed the artstyle of Disney’s Hercules just for this one hero.

Pretty manly, though. A-Tier.

Alchemist:

Let’s be honest – you’ve been playing this game for quite a while now. You know how it goes – gold wins wars. So, what’s the point of ever playing any other Dota hero, really?

Bonus: after taking all farm on the map for yourself and leaving nothing for your teammates (total bliss!), in the late game you can give your allies Aghs to make them feel better about their desperate financial situation and ideally persuade them not to report you.

Tide:

Team fights are very important in Dota. Crowd control is very important in team fights. So, it’s very good that IceFrog thought of a hero with a crowd control ultimate spanning the whole frickin’ screen – you can’t possibly mess it up.

Astoundingly, some people still manage to (cough… Sheever… cough).

Lifestealer:

The best hero in Dota, if inserting yourself forcefully into other people is your kind of thing!

Night Stalker:

Fear me, dear, for I am the predator in the night.

The favorite hero of any 14 YO emocore/goth fan. Or, considering we’re talking about Dota 2, 30 YO.

Doom:

Do you have catholic parents?

Play Lucifer, the Doombringer. That will show them!

Magnus:

Have you read any Magnus guides on the internet? Have you seen how pro players play Magnus? Isn’t Arise inspiring with his awesome Blink-Skewer-Force Staff-RP-Refresh-RP-so-on-and-so-forth plays?

Forget all of that.

Pick him, farm with Empower, buy Madness, and Daedalus.

You might lose 8 out of 10 games, but the other two would make it worthwhile!

Spirit Breaker:

A flying Space Cow who bashes you with a flail and…. breaks your spirit, apparently?

Magic-mushrooms-level confusion.

That said, a pretty great hero if you hate all the strategic aspects of Dota. He’s playstyle is: spawn, charge, die, repeat.

Dad Jokes:

Why does Spirit Breaker run so fast?

Because he has to go to the Barathrum

Chaos Knight:

The four horsemen of the apocalypse in one character. If this is not epic, I don’t know what is.

Of course, it’s not very cool to be a hard carry with 0 farming potential, but hey – it’s not like anyone can farm properly at 2k MMR anyway.

Sven:

Plan:

Step 1: ask whole team to stack for you.
Step 2: farm stacks.
Step 3: one-hit-cleave the whole enemy team.
Step 4: watch yourself on Plays of the Week, get famous, get picked up by EG.

Reality:

Step 1: ask whole team to stack for you.

Step 2: get stacks stolen.

Step 3: get kited the entire fight, never hit a single enemy hero, and lose terribly while blaming your teammates for having no stuns.

Step 4: get reported and banned for 30 years.

Phoenix: A bird of fiery death and rebirth.

The fiery death of your ego when you realize you are the reason for all your losses, rather than your teammates.

The rebirth of purpose when you decide you are going to focus on becoming a better player and teammate as well as all of the benefits this character-building experience brings to your life outside of Dota.

Of course, you would never engage in this kind of rebirth quackery.

Snapfire:

Usually, video games cater to their players by introducing hot young chicks with bikini armor.

Valve, however, is well aware that their player base is growing older, so they are slowly starting to introduce a range of more age-appropriate waifus.

Omni:

Pros:

- Makes your fanatically religious parents proud after you’ve disappointed them by playing Doom.

- Has a manly beard.

Cons:

- You need to use supporting skills on your teammates – the worst people in the whole of Dota 2.

- He’s the second-favorite hero of SirActionSlacks. It’s only logical that there is something majorly wrong with him, even if it’s not obvious.

Dragon Knight:

It’s impossible to imagine how you can take one of the coolest concepts in the world (a Dragon who is also a Knight) and make a boring hero out of it. Yet, they managed to do it.

Avoid DK unless auto-attacking towers and screaming to your teammates on voice chat to stay behind you is your type of fun.

Kunkka:

Attacker made a name for himself playing this hero exclusively.

Surely you can do the same.

If only the hero wasn’t a giant mess of impossible-to-land spells.

Moreover, he claims to be an Admiral, but he sure as hell looks like a pirate. What’s up with that? I’m starting to think the Lovecraftian monstrosity Tide is the good guy in their rivalry.

Dad Jokes:

Why is Kunkka a pirate?

Because he torrents.

Clock:

I was going to put him in A tier because I thought he’s a cool murderous robot, but it turns out he’s just a short dude in armor.

Moreover, the fact that he becomes entirely useless in the late game doesn’t help - relying on your teammates to carry you and secure the victory is a scary thought in pubs.

Timber:

A Goblin in a Mech armor who hates trees.

The lore people at Valve must be commended for being fearless at exploring deep contemporary issues. By using reverse psychology, they educate Dota players about the impact of deforestation and the burning of the Amazon.

B for effort.

Bristle:

Another character who loves bar fights. Yet, he is tanky only when he runs away from fights.

Am I the only one seeing a problem with this concept?

Still, the best tank in the game for players that prefer tactical retreats from most difficult situations.

Lycan:

Wolves need no armor. You know the drill. There is enough stolen content from Reddit in this article, don’t make me post more.

Abaddon:

Once again I am astonished at the genius of the Dota 2 hero design team. They know their players are by and large a bunch of pathologic feeders. So, they create the self-deny mechanic.

You can die all game long while giving almost nothing to the enemy team. You can incorporate dying in your play style and strategy. When your team asks “Abaddon, cyka, what the hell are you doing?” in a heavy accent, you can put their minds at ease with a well-timed Seppuku Coil.

Dad Jokes:

Why was Abaddon kicked out of the mafia?

Because he turned out to be a bad don.

Underlord:

Underlord is a below-average hero in terms of popularity. Yet, Valve decided to name their third standalone game in the Dota universe after the hero. As you surely know, Dota Underlords went on to become the most played game on steam!

Slardar:

How does a fish swing a giant mace underwater? I bet the water resistance makes it hard.

I’m all about suspension of disbelieve. Dragons are fine, sexy demons are fine, but swinging a mace underwater is more than I can forgive.

Dad Jokes:

Who did Slardar send flowers to?

His Slithereen Crush

Io:

A hero DESIGNED to make another player stronger. I’m malding just thinking about it even though I’m already bald.

Would have been the only F-tier STR hero if it wasn’t for OG.Ana who showed the world it’s possible to play even the most selfless hero in the game selfishly! Not surprising this kid became a multi-millionaire in our community!

Dad Jokes:

What Tiny say to Wisp when Wisp saved him

Io you one

Treant:

A slow-talking, slow-moving, slow-thinking living tree.

Also quite useless in most games.

You’ve got so much in common!

Undying:

Undying deserves his name. The problem is that he is also un-contributing-with-anything-useful.

And let’s be honest – in your hands, he’ll also be dying quite often.

Beastmaster:

Do you like micro?

I’m sure you don’t, but if you do, you can spend hours controlling Beastmaster’s useless companions!

It’s such a surprise he’s one of the least played STR heroes!

Brewmaster: Again, do you like micro? No?

I’m surprised.

In the last month, Pudge was played 5 MILLION times.

Brewmaster? 280k. Wonder why that is.

Phantom Assassin:

“1 dagger and im die.”

What else could you possibly want from Dota?

Small tits, big crits, that’s the way we like it!

Wait…

Dad Jokes:

What do you call a Phantom Assassin that doesn't want to skill ult?

A hypocrite.

Anti-Mage

Expectations:

1. You pick AM.
2. You farm for 30 minutes while your hopeless teammates feed.
3. You emerge from the jungle with 9 items in your inventory and win the game 1v9.
4. RTZ writes you a PM to congratulate you.

Reality:

1. You first pick AM. The enemy insta-picks Bloodseeker.
2. You feed in the lane, then you try to catch-up in the jungle.
3. The enemy starts sieging your base after 30 minutes, so you are forced to fight with Brown Boots, a Ring of Health, and a Broadsword in your inventory.
4. You die, lose all your gold, and the game.
5. You get flamed and reported by all your teammates, and you flame and report the supports.

THE classic Dota experience.

The hero, however, keeps giving. His lore is that he hates magic. Timbersaw’s lore is that he hates trees. Sometimes I’m simply baffled how SirActionSlacks is able to record multiple 40-minute videos about the lore of Dota.

Dad Jokes:

When does Anti-mage finish farming?

3 AM

Why is Anti Mage enemies with everyone?

Because friendship is magic.

Mirana

We are in the AGI section, people. Rejoice, the waifus are coming!

Mirana’s Arrow is arguably the second most legendary skill-shot in Dota after Pudge’s Hook.

Also, Mirana is the second most legendary waifu in the game after Crystal Maiden.

Also, she has the second most legendary mount after Luna’s Nova.

Also, she is second in this AGI heroes tier list.

Also, she has the second most cosmetics in the game after Pudge. (I made that up. She is #20 on cosmetics available in the game, behind PA, but that doesn’t sound as good, does it?)

Shadow Fiend

The 1v1 hero for real Dota pros since legendary stone-age players like Yaphetz.

Skill-shots;
selfish solo mid;
no disables, only manly damage;
angsty design with angsty names – Requiem of Souls, how can you top that?;

Shadow Fiend simply ticks all the boxes.

In your hands, naturally, he’s a feed-machine, but a man can dream.

Dad Jokes:

Why was SF a bad father?

He couldn't raze his kids properly.

Why did SF murder his employees?

They asked for a raise.

Why are my Shadow Fiend games similar to Mozart?

I die before completing Requiem.

Sniper: Sometimes you don’t feel like playing a 500 APM hero. You don’t feel like microing, using active items, searching for and initiating fights, etc.

(I realize “you don’t feel like” suggests you can do it in the first place but come on, you can forgive me being generous for once in this tier list.)

You just want to sit behind your teammates and A-click the general direction of your enemies. Preferably on the Radiant side, because A-clicking upwards is more satisfying than A-clicking downwards.

If this is the case, Sniper is the hero for you. Pure, clean, simple, old-fashioned fun without all the complications.

Dad Jokes:

Why did Sniper cross the river?

AAAAAH FRESH MEAT!

Juggernaut

A hero that combines the classic video game Whirlwind move with the classic anime Omni-slash move.

Jugger is simply destined for success in our no-life-gamer-weeb-otaku community.

Also, he’s a decent carry.

Morphling

One of the highest skill-ceiling carries in the game. Like Rubick, Morphling gives you limitless possibilities to out-play your opponents and an incredibly diverse experience in every match.

All of the above is great for pro players.

You, personally, should probably stick to Wraith King.

Dad Jokes:

How does Morphling greet someone?

He waves.

Riki

1. Make a smurf, play enough games to…. Scratch that.
2. Buy a 1k MMR smurf account for 5 bucks.
3. Stomp the living shit out of 5 unsuspecting kids with a total of 20 matches amongst them. You are invisible and they NEVER buy detection, so you can run around the map and farm heroes. So much fun! Look at how good I am, mom!
4. You are Riki, and you are in a 1k MMR lobby. Your team lacks the capacity to push a single tower, so you extend this agony to 70+ minutes. Your score is 35-5-8.
5. The enemy 2-16-5 Lycan FINALLY has items, and while you’re hunting his supports across the map without a TP, he pushes your base and wins the game. You flame your teammates.
6. The result is that you single-handedly made 8 new players quit Dota. Not Lycan though, he’ll play at least one more game because of the exhilaration of single-handedly winning the game.

Luna

Plan:

1. Dominate your lane with your high attack damage and active harass.
2. Flash farm your jungle.
3. Invade the enemy jungle with your strong ultimate.
4. Out-farm the enemy, win map control, siege the base, win the game.

Reality:

1. Feed in the lane. You have approximately 140 max HP and negative attack range.
2. Try to catch-up in the jungle. Get ganked and die – you are never on max HP because you’re tanking camps, so you die from a sneeze.
3. Try to invade the enemy jungle and win map control. Continue feeding.
4. Get flamed. Lose the game. Get reported. You know the drill, that’s basically 80% of your games.

P.S.

W.a.i.f.u.

And I haven’t even mentioned Nooouva yet.

Not S-tier just because of her annoying accent.

Dad Jokes:

Why does Luna hate Venomancer so much?

He keeps trying to poison Nova.

Drow Ranger

The discount version of Sniper.

When I think about it, she’s quite a lot hotter than Sniper….

Damn it! I messed up the tier list.

Templar Assassin

Yet another fine waifu. By now you should be starting to understand my priorities.

She can also two-hit her enemies with her high-damage minus-armor psi-blades. This is cool, but it requires some skill to do, so I suspect she was mainly introduced in the game mainly for fan-art and fan-fiction (giggity) purposes.

Bounty

You like gold but you hate farming? Bounty is your hero.

Let’s be honest, any game below 3k MMR is a totally random constant blood-bath with a complete lack of direction. In a game where the kill score is 47-45 on minute 25, and where there are a total of three towers pushed (by the creeps), bounty simply tips the economic scales in favor of your team.

A hero designed to get you out of shit-tier! 

Ursa

Yet another “carry” for people who think farming is the most boring thing in the world.

Why would you farm creeps when you can farm heroes and the occasional Roshan.

You either finish the game 30-5-15 and win, or you finish 5-17-5 and lose. But let’s be honest, losing sucks whatever your score, so you might as well make your wins feel better!

Gyrocopter

He might be an extremely well-rounded carry and one of the most played heroes in pro Dota history. Yet, he is not a hot waifu, so I can’t put him higher than A-tier.

Ember Spirit

Ana won TI by out-playing some of the very best players in the world with that hero.

Don’t let this encourage you. You are certainly not Ana, and you are playing with/against some of the worst players in the world.

Monkey King

The obligatory “we want to monetize the Chinese market” hero present in every MOBA!

Quite fun to play, though.

Pangolier

It turns out Pango’s ultimate is an ancient idea back from the PlayDotA.com forums.

It seems IceFrog and company are scraping the bottom of the idea barrel.

He’s a cute French-ish duelist humanoid pangolin, which earns him a few points and puts him in A tier!

Bloodseeker

Ah, Bloodcyka.

One of the few heroes in the game specially designed to stomping newbs. And what is Dota all about, if not stomping newbs and ruining the experience of any new player!

Besides, he has the benefit of being a hard-counter to Anti-Mage: the favorite hero of any Burning/RTZ wannabe!

Dad Jokes:

What does Bloodseeker eat before a match?

Nothing, he fast!

Faceless Void

A hero who can single-handedly ruin a team fight for his teammates with the click of a button.

I also like to live dangerously…

P.S. He doesn’t have a face, but he has a mouth, so technically he has half of a face. Valve, I expected greatness from you, and all I got is false advertisement… HAH, Valve, and advertisements! I’m so good at writing.

Dad Jokes:

Who does Void thank for helping him win the game?

His MoM and Daed.

Spectre

Spectre is designed to win games below 2.5k MMR.

She is absolutely terrible in the early game, and this problem becomes even worse bearing in mind you will play with 4 other carries in your team. Yet, even if the enemy team stomps you for the first 20 minutes of the game, they will never push to end it in your bracket! That’s great for you – slowly but surely, you’ll get your items, and once you do - oh boy…

So, you win games simply by existing, and relying on the high chance that your 5v5 carries match will reach the 70^th minute. The only drawback is that with an average game length of give or take an hour and a half, it will take you until the heat death of the universe to catch up with Miracle on MMR.

Slark

Oh boy, do Valve & IceFrog love giving their support players PTSD.

It sure is fun as hell playing as Crystal Maiden against a well-fed Slark with a Shadow Blade. FUN.

It’s a HUGE surprise why 90% of Dota players want to play mid or carry.

Terrorblade

Ah, Terrorblyat. The embodiment of “fun”.

You spend 90% of the game farming, and you can’t even AFK farm because you actually have to MICRO (the outrage!) your illusions while farming to increase your efficiency.

Then, once you get items, you push your Meta button and participate in fights roleplaying a tower. You stand still and auto-attack whoever is in range. You are so slow, that chasing or even repositioning is out of the question. You auto-attack and you pray that math will win the fight and game for you.

Phantom Lancer

Phantom Cancer/Cancer Lancer used to be the perfect embodiment of Dota: when you play this game, nobody gets to have fun!

Ah, the endless entertainment of trying to stop the spreading disease of the enemy PL’s self-replicating illusions perpetually pushing your lanes in and slowly but surely losing the game.

Valve put an end to this, but little did they know that people would just find other ways not to have fun!

Vengeful Spirit

Am I a support? Am I a carry? Am I a hero? Am I a ranged creep?

We’ll never know.

What commonly happens is that you pick VS and tell your team that you’re position 1. Your allies proceed to pick 4 hard carries and type back “Venge, you need to buy wards.”

Why are we even playing this game?

Lone Druid

Admiral Bulldog should probably be the only one allowed to play this hero.

First, who needs another anti-fun split-pusher and farmer.

Second, we know nobody at your MMR can control two units at once, especially you…

Naga Siren

Ah, another waifu, but this time from the anti-fun type.

Not only is she a possible split-pusher and a hero that steals all the farm on the map, but she has a magic button that stops any fight.

The game has been a 25-minute farm-fest and finally, a big team-fight is breaking out?

No, problem:

“Ahyo-OY-oYOAh-oYa,
Ave-Maria,
the fun stops heia!”

Dad Jokes:

Did you hear about Naga killing Tidehunter?

RIP Tide

Razor

Razor, a hero designed to be played by chasing people down while lashing them with an electric whip.

This hero would have been S-tier if he had the model of Queen of Pain.

Viper

Yet another hero designed to have the playstyle of a tower.

You stand in the middle of the fight, auto-attack, and hope you have the stats to live through it.

The only thing interesting about Viper was that his wings were pointing backward, and Valve decided to give in to popular Reddit complaints and took even that away!

Troll Warlord

Valve probably noticed the quite obvious trend that the micro-oriented heroes are some of the least popular amongst players. If this is true, then the most popular heroes should be the ones that require the least amount of player control, right?

So, they created Troll Warlord – a hero whose ultimate skill literally removes your ability to control him inside fights.

Genious.

Weaver

If you have a dream of roleplaying an ant, Weaver is your hero.

Yet, unlike real-world ants who can sting, lift a bazillion times their own weight, spit acid, swarm things and tear them apart with their menacing mandibles, Weaver scurries around the map, spits the least threatening attack projectile in the world, and blabbers nonsense like “skitter scatter”.

Medusa

1. AFK farm.
2. Click attack forward towards the enemy base.
3. Win or lose game.

There is literally nothing else you can do with this hero.

Dad Jokes:

I once looked into Medusa’s eyes

It was quite stunning, actually.

Clinkz

Clinkz used to be yet another perfectly fine support-hunting pub-stomper. Fun for you, an absolute nightmare for the enemy supports (but let’s be honest, almost all games are a nightmare for supports).

Yet, IceFrog ruined the hero by changing the ultimate and trying to make him more of a team-fight oriented hero.

It’s as if IceFrong hates both ganking and split-pushing, and all he wants people to do is team-fight.

This is not Heroes of the Storm, gosh darnit!

Arc Warden

Ah, another one of those heroes you need to dedicate 1500 hours playing in order to stop fumbling around like a damn fool each game.

250 hours learning what his damn spells actually do, 250 hours learning what you’re supposed to do in the game, and 1000 hours learning DAMN MICRO.

Venomancer

A hero whose job is to spread his Ebola and watch everyone on the enemy team die slowly.

This could be fun if it wasn’t for his disgusting slug-flower design.

Nyx

Teams with a hero composition that has 0 synergy are one thing.

A single hero with an arsenal of spells that have 0 synergy, however, is next-level game design.

You sneak up on your enemy with Vendetta, attack them once, miss them with Impale, burn their mana, activate Carapace, and watch as they walk away from you, waving goodbye.

Broodmother

Your team has just picked your 5th hero and the enemy team has the last pick in the draft.

They pick Brood. You don’t have a counter.

Have fun losing 40 minutes of your life while having about a 5% chance to win the game (and your only hope is that the enemy Brood player is an imbecile).

BAD ICE FROG! BAD, BAD ICE FROG!

Meepo

Sigh. There are just a few heroes in the game I think truly detract from the enjoyment of playing Dota, and Meepo is one of the biggest offenders.

One of the best experiences in Defense of the Ancients:

Draft starts. Enemy player insta-picks Meepo. You look at his profile. He has played only Meepo in his last 20-ish games, 95% win rate.

HF, you’ve just been matched against a 7k MMR Russian booster in your 2k MMR lobby.

At least your suffering will end fast. This person will single-handedly win the game 1v9 in about 20 minutes, killing multiple heroes on your team in three different places on the map, while at the same time split-pushing your base and probably eating Borscht with his free hand.

It's remarkable witnessing it once (you start appreciating the light-year gap between yourself and the people who are good at this game), but it grows old really, really quickly.

Crystal Maiden

Ah, the blond, cute, swift-as-the-wolves-of-Icewrack, original Dota support. The Dota waifu herself, the let-it-go-singing Crystal Maiden.

If you have a girlfriend (kek) that you want to introduce at Dota, it’s a virtual guarantee that she’ll play Crystal Maiden.

S-tier for her legendary status.

As a Dota veteran, however, you know not to touch the hero (or the support role as a whole, to be honest).

Dad Jokes:

How does a carry ask a support to dance?

"Tango plz"

Rubick

If you like a high skill-ceiling, if you like diversity in your matches, then you’ll like Rubick.

Load some highlights of FY, Yapzor, or old-school Kuro, and witness why this hero is S-tier.

Now go into the game, pick Rubick, and proceed to execute successfully exactly 0 of the moves you saw on YouTube, feed, and lose.

You are bad at this game, I thought we covered this already. Don’t pick Rubick again.

Dad Jokes:

Why Slardar hates Rubick?

Because he stole his crush.

Queen of Pain

An S-tier hero. Not because of her strength in the game (she’s a terrible hero in almost all metas). Not because she is fun to play. But because we are a proud community in which the Y chromosome is heavily over-represented.

We are simple men. We see a sexy demon in lingerie with two Ultimate Orbs, we like.

Storm Spirit

Now THAT is a proper S-tier INT hero. A hero you can spam to win the game on your own. A hero which breaks the rules of Dota and flies all over the map. A hero that becomes a nightmare to any carry over-extending, or any support outside of their fountain. An INT hero who simply cannot be played as a support, as it should be.

Dad Jokes:

What do you call a Storm Spirit who is too scared to initiate?

A Static Storm.

Invoker

Carl is a real innovation in the MOBA genre and hero design as a whole. Rather than having four skills you can activate with the push of a button, Invoker has 10 active skills, and you need to enter a different password before activating any one of them.

Genius.

Dad Jokes:

Why did Invoker sell his NBA team?

He didn't want to bother with the hassle of a Suns strike.

Necrophos

Valve realize very well that your primary enjoyment in this game comes from making other players suffer. So, they made a hero who has the ability to force enemy players to spend less time playing and more time waiting to revive.

If that’s not the work of an evil genius, I don’t know what is.

Keeping in mind how many people play Dota, this becomes even more impressive.

There have been 1,898,036 matches with Necrophos in the last month. Assuming the hero increases the total revive time of the enemy team by an average of 120 seconds per match (a conservative estimate), this means Necro wasted 63 THOUSAND HOURS of playtime just in one month.

Yet, this is peanuts to Techies.

Dad Jokes:

His actual name is a dad joke. He used to be called Necrolyte before he got renamed to Necrophos, most likely to avoid legal issues with Blizzard. Yet, phos means light in Greek.

So, Necrolight. GJ Valve.

Lion

For some reason, Lion is SUNSfan’s least favorite hero in Dota. This shouldn’t surprise you, SUNSfan’s a cretin.

Lion is a well-designed and well-rounded support with a great mix of disables and a powerful nuke. He’s the third most-played hero in Dota for the last month.

That said, he’s still a support, so avoid playing him if you can.

Enigma

A hero with three boring, low-impact spells.

And one big, big, ultimate. The best-feeling skill in the game.

They should make a cosmetic which plays Toby’s “BLACK HOOOOOLE!” every time you cast the spell.

Windranger

Ah, Windranger. The ginger waifu with no soul and two other small flaws.

Nonetheless, she’s pretty cute, so she gets a pass.

Playing her is also fun.

Lina

Windranger’s envy. The two best Ultimate Orbs in Dota have arrived.

She can also cast cool fiery dragon spells. Who doesn’t love a dangerous woman!

Puck

Puck would fit perfectly in the My Little Pony universe. Might not look dangerous, but looks can be deceiving. Elusiveness, nuke damage, control, high skill-ceiling.

A perfect hero for a good player.

You know what I’m going to say next, no need to insult you further.

Shadow Shaman

Might be one of the ugliest heroes in the game. He compensates, however, with the fact that he allows you to disguise yourself as a support while taking all the farm and winning the game.

Agh’s, Refresher, and you’re ready to plop your snakes of demolishment in the enemy base.

Tinker

Another 550 APM 1v9 hero. A hero who allows you to use 7-8 active skills repeatedly with almost no cooldown. A hero who requires you to teleport all over the map with the added bonus of annoying the enemy team all game.

A hero for more talented players than you, perhaps.

Ogre Magi

Ah, an intelligence hero who plays like a strength hero. In fact, he wins the man-fight against most STR heroes in the early game.

If you’re forced to play support, it’s best to play the manliest support possible.

It seems a lot of people are on this opinion because Ogre is the 4^th most popular hero in Dota.

Dad Jokes:

What do you call an Ogre + Jakiro dual lane?

4Head

Dark Willow

Sigh.

The biggest oversight.

(Hello r/dota2)

Witch Doctor

A support with a funny accent who can get rampages. Also, the star of Dota 2’s best fan-made song. Would have been S-tier if he wasn’t that ugly. Purple, hunched-over spellcasters are quite common, as you’ll notice.

Dad Jokes:

What is Witch Doctor's email address?

Look@it.go

Silencer

One feeling I can deeply relate to in a game of Dota is the burning desire to make everyone in the game SHUT THE F UP!

It works as amazing stress relief to scream those exact words every time you press R when playing Silencer.

Pugna

The hero has 330 MS, and unlike the other fast heroes who are usually riding tigers and horses, he is simply running. And he doesn’t even have muscles on his legs!

I think this is a leak from an alternate timeline in which Usain Bolt died and got resurrected as a green magic skeleton.

Enchantress

The waifu situation is getting slightly unsettling. But Valve knows their players. There needs to be a waifu in Dota targeted at furries.

Dad Jokes:

How did Chen know he was in love with Enchantress?

Because the further he got from her, the more it hurt!

Outworld Devourer

The one and only Obsidian Destroyer. I mean Outhouse Decorator. I mean Outsourced Developer.  I mean Outworld Devourer, damn it, my tongue is slipping.

Dota’s own “I Am Very Smart” hero. Big brain time OD.

To play in character, you need to type into all chat “YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE THE MENTAL CAPACITY TO COMPREHEND MY GENIOUS!” every time you cast Sanity’s Eclipse.

If you think you are a man with a supreme intellect (even though the fact that you are in the 1.5k MMR bracket even though you’ve been playing Dota for 10 years pretty much disproves this hypothesis), OD is your hero.

Dad Jokes:

How did Harbinger die?
He OD’d.

Winter Wyvern

Ah, ice dragons. The slightly less cool relatives of fire dragons (a figure of speech, if we’re talking about temperature they are, of course, quite a lot cooler.)

Also, Wyverns, the not as powerful, or as big, but still almost as cool relatives of dragons.

All in all, Winter Wyvern is almost kind of cool. Still, I applaud Valve for not going with Winter Dragon. It takes decency to properly call your two-legged flying reptile a Wyvern, unlike those crooks at HBO with their false advertisement – Mother of Dragons my ass! Mother of Wyverns doesn’t sound as cool, though, does it?

Zeus

Ah, nothing says MOBA better than mixing and matching figures from different mythologies, cultures, IPs, etc.

Instead of being a mighty, muscular, bearded god of Lightning, however, you are an electric Mario.

Jakiro

At first glance, it seems you can’t possibly make a dragon boring.

Well, Valve is extremely determined to bust this myth.

First, DK – a hero whose highlight of the match is right-clicking towers.

And now – Jakiro. A hero whose highlight of the match is hitting more than one hero with a 50 damage two-second stun…

Disruptor

A hero for people who are serious about trying as hard as possible as a pos. 5 support. You can rotate and gank with Glimpse, you can harass and babysit with Thunder Strike, you can win team fights with Static Storm.

Too bad you can’t use Glimpse on your own carry when he decides to dive the enemy base without a buyback and throw away your 40 minutes of hard, hard work.

Skywrath Mage

How to play Skywrath Mage:

1. Pick Skywrath, realize supporting sucks and tell your team you’re going mid.
2. Dominate your lane by spamming your first spell. Use the good start to rotate and ideally – find kills.
3. The moment an enemy core gets BKB - become as useless as a ranged creep.
4. Lose the game and type: “I owned my lane, nothing more I could have done. Learn to play, idiots.”

Oracle

Another hero mainly created to confuse everyone. Each one of his spells has about 10 effects and 5 different uses.

The great thing is that it’s unlikely the enemy team will counter you efficiently if they don’t know what your spells do!

The problem is that your teammates don’t know what your spells do either, which is problematic when you are the support and most of your spells are meant for your teammates.

Bane Elemental

A purple spellcaster. Those aren’t exactly rare in Dota.

He wins games by using the power of bad dreams and buying wards.

A bad concept, in my opinion, because the dreams he creates are nowhere as bad as the nightmare that is supporting in Dota 2.

Dad jokes:

Why didn't Bane want to play Dota?

He was having the nicest dream.

Death Prophet

A dead woman foretelling the death of other people.

It would have been more accurate, however, if she was prophesying the death of towers. There’s nothing ghosts love more than demolishing buildings, apparently.

Leshrac

The magic mushrooms design team strikes again. The disco pony will give you victory and an epileptic seizure at the same time! 

Batrider

A pyromaniac troll riding a bat. How the hell is the bat OK with all the flames, heat, and bad language? Does he go through some kind of intensive training? What would that training be? Can we employ it on new Dota players to better prepare them for the average Dota pub?

Shadow Demon

How would you describe SD to a friend?

“Imagine Ghost Rider, but instead of riding a motorcycle and spreading hellfire, he walks with his own two feet and spreads shadowy low-damage ebola by waving his hands.”

As witnessed from all of their dragons, Valve are experts at taking a cool concept and making it as boring as possible.

Dazzle

Ah, yet another hunched-over purple spell-caster dude. Unlike Witch Doctor, however, who can kill the entire enemy team with his ultimate, Dazzle can only heal and save his allies.

A decent support, but only a masochist would make supporting their teammates their main game-plan in a pub.

Grimstroke

Why are 50% of the new heroes with a Chinese influence?

Oh, right, Valve wants that sweet, sweet, Chinese market money.

Next time expect a hero dual-wielding a red hammer and sickle! That will sell well!

Void Spirit

You guessed it – a purple spell-caster with Chinese influence. God damn it, Valve.

Warlock

A pretty boring hero whose main contribution is healing his lane partner and casting his ultimate in fights.

That said, casting fatal bonds on the entire enemy team and Roshan and proceeding to kill Rosh with your team is one of the most glorious things in the game. You should probably scratch your itch by watching it on YouTube. We both know you’re not going to pull it off.

Nature’s Prophet

Admiral Bulldog hero puddle jokes are the low-hanging fruit here, but let’s not go there – this tier list is bad enough already.

That said, Nature’s Profit players are simply disgusting human beings, probably under the influence of their abovementioned leader.

The hero itself is fine – he can gank, he can push, he can team-fight… But you mother cuckers are going to rat all game long, aren’t you?

Dad Jokes:

So Newbee just banned Nature's Prophet and Death Prophet.

Guess you could say they are a non-prophet organization.

Ancient Apparition

Something, something, the cold death of the universe. Very epic lore. Too bad the hero has ONE notable spell in his whole repertoire.

And I’m not making this up: it’s a viable AA strategy to stay at the fountain (or hidden in trees somewhere away from your base) after some point in the game and wait patiently for minutes and minutes for the perfect time to land Ice Blast.

Keeper of the Light

It is as if Valve tried to take Gandalf, put him into Dota, and make him boring. A cool concept into goring execution – they’ve done it again.

He has one cool spell that, however, requires him to stand still for about three minutes before it’s ready, and a few more that you probably don’t know and don’t care about.

Valve even redesigned KotL of the Light relatively recently, but I can’t be bothered to check what they changed: let’s face it, I’m not going to play Keeper any time soon, and neither are you.

Lich

Lich used to be one of the most boring heroes in the game – a spell-caster with two spells he can use in a fight. Valve decided to fix this by giving him a disable that doesn’t synergize with his other skills and play style in any way. Exciting.

Dad Jokes:

Why did Lich have to stop riding his bicycle?

His chain was frosted.

Dark Seer

Purple hunched-over spell-caster. Again.

Even the pro players who win over and over with DS hate playing him. That should tell you enough about the hero. Playing as a purple pointy-headed dwarf who karate-chops and casts purple confusing spells that require teamwork doesn’t sound a lot of fun, does it?

Visage

The second least popular hero in the game. Not surprisingly, he involves micro.

He’s also a strange ghost-bird with hard-to-understand skills, which doesn’t help his case.

Dad Jokes:

What do you call a team fight where Visage has no birds?

An unfamiliar situation.

Chen

He is THE least played hero in Dota.

How boring does a hero need to be in order to place dead last out of more than 100 characters?

Probably 90% of the Chen games are from people randoming him, and the leftover 10% are from pro players who practice him because they need to.

Techies

Dota 2, as SirActionSlacks loves saying, is all about deep, deep lore.

For example, this Timbersaw character hates trees.

And there is another guy, called Anti-Mage, who hates magic.

And a third hero – Techies, who doesn’t hate anything as far as I’m aware, but is specially designed to be played by people who hate their life.

Not surprisingly, he’s the favorite hero of SirActionSlacks.